Since my previous (poorly) cooking experience was a disaster with Kim Bap, I've enlisted culinary consultant Andrew Strauss to guide me in my next kitchen escapade.

Ken: "I want to cook spaghetti. Better."

Andrew: *nods approvingly to his plucky apprentice*

Here's the recipe we consulted.

Shopping time along with adding Andrew's produce selections.

I've cooked far less complicated spaghetti hundreds of times.

First part is prepping the produce. Onion time!

Continue cutting!

We're just one ingredient into the recipe, and fail begins!

I can't see! At all. This is when I begin to wonder out loud if early humans dismissed onions as inedible.

Let's smash some garlic!

Smashing garlic is fun and smells good. I wonder aloud how vampires can tolerate onions but not garlic. Celery, you're next!

Celery gets a vertical 3-part splay.

Then a normal slicing.

Those are some nicely cut celeries. Is “celeries” a word?

Ingredients should be cut uniform so they cook uniformly. I learned that from Top Chef, I think.

Carrots get asimilar treatment to the celery.

Next is bacon.

I don't think we're supposed to use the same cutting board, but it's all we got.

Crisp the bacon.

Wrap up the leftover bacon, but don’t fail with a grocery bag like I did. Andrew instructs me to use normal airtight plastic wrap.


Andrew shows off with by one-hand-toss-mixing the concoction.

Beef time.

While the beef cooks, we prep the rest of the vegetables and the herbs.

Begin prepping the other ingredients.

Beef is done! But lathered in animal fatty.

Drain the fat away.

Add the whole tomatoes.

Add the onions and bacon.

Strip the herbs Oregano and Basil of their hard steams. You want the leaves.

Add the herbs.

Finally, the carrots and celery.

This has to cook for an hour. A whole hour! It's all soupy and needs to congeal or something. But I'm hungry now! Where's my instant gratification?

Fast forward 50 minutes…

Noodle time!

Plate as appropriate.

Serve to hungry friends.

Result: Fed and happy friends.